Dear Jerry,
I thought about you often this week and wondered how you and your mom are doing.
You popped into my head when I talked about secondary losses with a client and so I decided, as, I had some time today, to write and explain what that means. You may not have heard of secondary losses before — I know I hadn’t until I went back to university to become a counsellor.
Secondary Losses are anything or anyone you have lost as a result of the Primary Loss. Those losses can be tangible things or, I guess, almost anything — a social life, for example. Think “I sold his sports car because I never drove it — but that means I also don’t get to ride with the top down.”
The story I usually tell to illustrate secondary losses is about how a man brought his elderly mother in to see me. He joined us for the first minutes of the first session and explained that his dad died two years ago and then said, “Mom still isn’t ok”. After excusing him, I asked her how long she and her husband had been married. I don’t remember the exact number but it was well over 50 years. My goodness — and he expected her to be ok in two years??!! And then, after assuring her that being “not ok” in two years was to be expected, I asked her about other changes in her life since her husband died.
And there were many — including some major changes. She hadn’t been healthy enough to stay in their house so her family moved her into a senior’s residence. A very significant secondary loss! They had lived in that house for decades and, as I remember, she spoke of a beautiful garden she that she still tended until just before her husband’s death. And, to add to her list of losses, she hadn’t been able to take her dog with her when she moved. So this also-aging pup, went to live with her daughter’s family. She still saw her dog often but not seeing his happy face greeting her just added to her sadness.
Just this past summer, I was reading a book on grief (sorry — I don’t remember the name as I got it from the library) and the author had a chapter on “the grief that never ends”. I was admittedly startled by that because I try to give clients hope that their grief will, if not end, at least dissipate significantly. Some of his categories included the death of a child — that makes sense — and a death where there was significant trauma, particularly if the injuries were horrific. He used farm accidents as an example. But, he also noted that when a grieving process does not include grieving secondary losses, the person could take a long long time to stabilize. I was relieved because I always talk about secondary losses with every grieving client who comes into my office. I even encourage clients to list their secondary losses on paper and then allow themselves to feel all the emotion connected to those losses as well.
So back to you and your family? What are the secondary losses your mom is dealing with? What are the secondary losses that YOU are dealing with?
I’m guessing that at least for now, your mom will be able to stay in her house. I was relieved that my mom could do so after my dad died. Even when her health became fragile, she could afford to pay someone to do the things she couldn’t do — mow the lawn, for example. When the time comes, when your mom’s house is too much work for her (even if that’s 5 years from now) remember that this decision may still be tied to her grieving your dad’s death.
Be aware as well that losing a partner has a huge impact on a person’s social life. Social interaction is often a major secondary loss. Some suddenly-single people seem to be able to do things solo that they once did with their partner (for example, eating in a nice restaurant) but many find that what was once pleasurable just isn’t any more. Couples tend to do things with couples and a single woman (or man — to be fair) often will struggle to figure out how to fit into an old friend group. Sometimes finding new friends in a support group fills this gap — at least for a time.
A widowed friend of mine, years ago, told me that one of the big secondary losses for her (her husband died when they had teenaged kids) was re-learning how to take vacations. They enjoyed camping as a family but when she had attempted to hook up their trailer to their truck to go camping with her kids it had been a disaster. Something had gone wrong with the trailer and neither she or her son could figure out how to fix it and get them back home. Fortunately they hadn’t gone far! She came home frustrated and overwhelmed. She later told me that giving up the trailer was something she would just have to make peace with.
I know you well enough to be able to guess that you’ve probably read this far and are asking yourself, “So what should I DO with mom and her secondary losses? Give me something practical.”
Well, for starters, just notice them and comment. Pay attention. Now that you know the term and the concept, I’m sure you’ll see things that mom has also lost. A simple, “That must have been so hard for you.” statement can do wonders. I may have said this before but I believe as humans we are resilient and that for most of us, if someone simply notices that we’re going through something difficult and says so, we will respond by straightening our shoulders (either literally or figuratively) and carrying on. So my practical advice is, notice and speak up. Your mom is so fortunate to have you.
Until next time,
Ruth
Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash
