Amy flinched at Carrie’s facial expression as Carrie walked toward her. One more friend. One more awkward exchange. One more “How are you doing?” or some other such question.
If you’ve followed this blog or read anything in the area of grief and grieving you know that the grieving process is often referred to as a journey.
I’ll paint you a picture. A catastrophe happens. Someone died. Or that ominous word terminal appears. And a person — a wife, a mother, a sister, a brother — begins the journey. Walking so slowly at first that the motion forward seems imperceptible. Those first days — wow, am I moving at all? No, just standing here. But then, a step and another step. A marker along the road says “one week”. Another “one month”. Tears wash gullies into the roadsides. Storms pass through. A single ray of sunlight. The griever keeps walking. Walking. Walking. The griever meets a friend and they walk together for a while and then the friend veers off and the griever walks alone — again. Walking. Walking. Walking. The griever sees a counsellor. One hour a week to cry and be real. One hour where there is no judgement, no measurement of progress. One hour where saying his name, telling his story. Walking. Walking. Walking. Sometimes stumbling… but still walking.
And then the question,”How long has it been?”. What? You’re measuring my progress by days and months? (I know I’m counting but are you?) You’re watching me to see if I’m doing this right? How long has it been? Am I walking too slowly? Too quickly? Is there a perfect pace for my grieving? (And my pace is not it?)
Whether you’re reading this post as a griever or someone who loves a griever, understand that a griever perceives this question quite differently from its intention. How long has it been? may well be an innocent question, with no judgement attached and no intention to hurt. And yet, just as the seemingly innocuous question “How are you?”, which we are asked repeatedly when we are out and about, feels like a knife to the heart to a griever, this measurement of time may a painful reminder that the journey is far from over.
What to do — on either side of this question
If you’re the asker, perhaps simply avoiding this question is your best strategy. But if you genuinely need a time frame to make sense of your friend’s grief journey, be very aware how the tone of your voice impacts this question — and realize that even with a conscious awareness of tone, you may be misunderstood. You may be genuinely wondering how long your dear friend has been struggling with this overwhelming loss and wish to show your support for the duration. Your tone of voice can either reflect that — or you may come across as simply curious or awkward. If you’ve already asked, perhaps inviting your friend or family member to share their perception of that question will open the door to further conversation. Or adding the qualifier question “Does that feel like a long time, or has the time passed quickly?” Grief does do strange things to time and some grievers welcome the opportunity to reflect on how their sense of time has been affected.
If you’re the griever, know that people are clumsy around you. They feel inadequate and want to say (or ask) something. If you’re the griever, you may interpret this question and other well meaning comments as ‘they don’t get it’. But perhaps they do. Perhaps they do have (at least) a sense of how much pain you are in. And, they fear, more than anything, opening that wound right there in public. They fear unleashing the torrent of tears and pain you may be holding inside. So, they ask or say something they think is easy to answer, something measurable. “How long has it been?”
Navigating the spoken and unspoken pitfalls inherent in grief and grieving requires much grace — grace on both the part of the griever and on those attempting, often valiantly, to be supportive. Often the word grace is used in a religious context but the Oxford dictionary also includes the phrase “courteous good will”. Giving each other courteous good will can smooth over clumsy missteps. Be gentle with yourselves and with each other.
Another post on how others’ words aren’t always helpful can be found here — Useless Phrases.
